ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
