You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
