This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
