how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
