Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
