are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
