I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
