Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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