Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
