Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
