Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
