I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
