So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
