i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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