It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
