i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
