We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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