I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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