I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
