ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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