My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
FUCK WHALES
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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