My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
