period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
