if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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