So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
