So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
