I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
