i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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