The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
