peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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