There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
