Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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