So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
