My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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