I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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