Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
