Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
