So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
