I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
