i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
