So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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