I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
