she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
