dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
