I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
