apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
