This is not my ceiling
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
