we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
