I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
