the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
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