Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
