The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Vodka?
Forever.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
